i find it funny

how whenever i am in this frame of mind i always result back to this fucking blog.
i hate everyone. hahahaha.
nothing more to it really is there?
i really am not in a very good place right now. i wish that i could go back and change every single thing that's happened in the past 5months. that way; i'd be fine, and no-one, not even me, would be hurting.
Fuck off back to whatever you all do, i couldn't care less.
stop eating beth you fat shit.

''i'll be waving goodbye..'''

no.

well august 11th since i wrote laugh; hardly anything has changed. Although, i think maybe i'm going'back to that 'place' which i had done so well to get out of.

love triangles suck dont you think. here's some things i'd love to say to everyone but cant.
1) im sorry.
2) just come home because im hurting.
3) i lied to you; i am sorry.
4) don't get too attached to me, i'll hurt you.
5) you're everything i wish to be.
6) you've basically changed everything about me and i hate it.
7) You've always been there, and thank you for it.
8) I won't ever forget you, or meet a single soul like you. I shouldnt have gotten to attatched because now i miss you like i would miss the sun if it were to go away.
9) you really are an idiot; how could you do that to yourself, to everyone who cares for you?
10) I shouldn't have become so close to you. i literally trust you with everything i am. you're the one who continually makes me smile and laugh, and i lied to you, and i cant sleep at night because of it, and im sorry, but i have completley fallen for you.

yeah its

Its getting worse.
Your screenname appears on the bottom of my screen, and my heart beats furiously. One question faces me,
''Should i, or not?''
And sometimes i start to write to you, but i erase it and say to myself ''ill do it tomorrow'' but then i dont, and then i go to bed and cant sleep because im regretting not doing it.
I really would love for you to come and see me again, i promise i wont make it awkward, i'd just love to see you, to hear you..
I gaze upon your picture at times, and my heart pretty much melts - just the sight of you is enough for me to go weak at the knees and that feeling hasn't crossed me in a very long time.
If you were to read this, i dont know what i'd do. Whether i'd be happy or sad, i have no idea. All i know is that you cannot undo what is already done, and myu god, those few months were the happiest ive been in such a long time, and the reason why we stopped, i have no idea. it was your desiscion, anyway,
i will tell you one day, one day soon.

just something i need to get off my mind/

but the thing is, i can't actually tell you because i dont know how to. i dont knwo what happened, but it did, it was just some sort of thing to do to us both that day, but for me, it kinda progressed into something a little more than that. it's been a while since i've seen you, but i already know that it wont be any different from the last time i did, if anything, it'll be better. but when i first saw you i thought nothing of it, but the day after, me and abi spent ages trying to find you in the yellow shirt, and the other two! but we eventually did, and then went to watch suicide silence - which you were hesitant about but we soon changed that :)! then you guys left us, and we met you at the mexican food stand ahah, and you fell asleep and me and him put our legs on you whilst him and abi went on that ride! and we were waiting forever for Journey to play dont stop believing, but when they did, i sang really loud :)! and then me and abi went to eat, and left you guys there, but we did go back, but i got a bit pissed off and left because i thought i was missing out on some joke but i wasnt aha. and writing this is making me smile because i knoiw you're never going to read it. but yeah anyway, then we went to watch papa roach and me and him were having that argument over that piece of paper because you said you wrote it but i know you didnt aha. and then we went to watch trivium and it was good times! but then you guys left us! and told us to meet you at the lockers back at the village, so we did and then you left us again to get your jacket, and came back and i wasd cold so you put your arm around me and then we had to watch them on that ride and it was an epileptic nightmare! then we went over to that ride and abi was having a fag with them and then you did that thing and i was like oh wow ahah. and then we went to that tent thing and i was in the zone and you came and sat next to me and some guy dropped a beer and jonesy ran for it but the guy said ''down boy, down'' and i said ''yeah _____, down boy, down.'' and you laughed. then we went, and i couldnt stop thinkin about you that night, just ask abi. and then about 3 weeks later, you came to see me and as soon as i saw you get off tha train, the same feeling overwelmed me that did that sunday night at download, and i knew that day would be perfect, and it was. and you told me it was too, because the way i 'fitted in your arms perfectly' and the way our hands went so well together, and i dont know what it is, but i can see myself falling for you.

Yeah

So, six weeks off school, already I'm bored aha.
It's presumeabley always the start of a paragraph that is the hardest to write. Never is it the middle or the end, those are determined by the start, obviously.
anyway, im going.

Long time.

Hey! Seems to be a lifetime since i wrote last, to put it simply, i forgot i even possessed one of these, haha. I can honestly say that at this specific moment in my ever so unwelcoming life, things aren't going well. But i dont care to be honest, our time is short, so make the nost of it. Despite missing your best friend, pretty much aching to be with them again...


Phil
not a minute goes by when i don't think of you. You are my first thought in the morning, and the last thought at night. I hope you are well because It's all I ever pretty much wanted. You're right, I do call you and hang up, but thats because i needn't be reminded of what I lost. You were everything. I miss you so much, You always will be my best friend. It hurts me when i go to my phone and start typing out a message that i need to send you, i go to press 'send' but i cant because you won't be there to recieve it. I pass your sisters on the street, and I see you in them. Ugh, basically phil you're irreplaceable and I love you.

:).

well i haven't wrote since about thursday, - gohhhh!
gig was alright last night,
BPP said they'd throw a bdayparty for me :)

Today was amazing.
spent it in oxford with philip :) - MY BEST FRRRRIEND.
FOURTEEEEEN DAYS TILL THE WEDDING :)

anyway,
see ya soon, going to wither away my life infront of the tv with emma and watch three endless hours of family guy.